The sadness that consumed me in my early 20s feels very different to the sadness that consumes me now. I coped a lot through music back then and when I’ve gone back to listen to songs that soothed me and made me feel understood, everything feels overwrought.

For example, Foxing’s “The Medic” still digs its nails into me, but I simultaneously feel a sense of distance when I listen. I’m more of an observer in the room than a participant. Such a visceral expulsion of emotion doesn’t really hit the same way these days.

I suppose it’s that I’ve turned inward in the last half decade or so. I take my self-loathing out on myself these days, whereas I used to project it onto my relationships and this has changed how I relate to and express my own sadness. It feels like a better path, at least for now.